“I’m bisexual, mom! Love me anyway!” I screamed at the top of my lungs sitting in the green garden chair situated in front of my computer. Tears rolled down my face and mixed with the snot coming out of my nose. I mopped my face with my sleeve making more of a mess of myself. I heard her scream. “No daughter of mine is going to be even a little bit galubaya!” I kept sitting there trying not to despise her. I hate it when she mixes languages like that. Just a few minutes prior to this moment my girlfriend had been alternating between sitting on my bed and drawing on my wall. I tried to think of her, I tried to remember her voice. Maybe it wasn’t my mom who screamed. Maybe it was me and Alanna just making fun of her . . . but no, it was too real. I couldn’t escape cold hard reality being thrown at me like a brick. I felt as though I was trapped in a room with no doors. How did I get in? How could the woman that gave me birth be so quick to judge? Soon after this fight my mom stopped letting me stay over people’s houses. I could have done it anyway but the screaming and crying about how I abandoned her afterward was just too much to even consider. Sadly this was only one of the things my mom tried to hide about me. Every time I mentioned acting she would ask if I would consider being a doctor or a lawyer instead, just to see if I had changed my mind yet. The disappointment of when I said no almost made me laugh.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
I was trapped in a room with no doors and a psychotic woman. Mommy dearest says she loves me, says she needs me. That woman likes to pretend she’s never gonna let me leave. Too bad she’s blind, can’t see that my suitcase is in the trunk and I’ve been wearing my shoes for years waiting for a portal to escape.
Love recap:
You can’t like girls! Be a doctor! You’ll never leave me! Change your clothes, you look like a bum! What do people think when they see you?! Wait, I haven’t gone over that last part yet. Sixteen and I can’t wear what I want? Her minds still living somewhere in Russia, I swear! She always wants to take me shopping but then she’ll bring up every thing she bought me that I liked and she didn’t. “You can’t talk to me for two minutes and I bought you that ugly . . . !!!” “Mom, you told me that already, why do I need to hear it again?” I wished I was invisible, that I could just suddenly disappear. “We’re family, I should be able to tell you things as many times as I want. Plus, women repeat themselves! Let me be a woman!” Horns grew out of her head, her eyes turned white as egg whites, and she slowly changed to this maroon/crimson color. Did she fucking hear herself? I couldn’t believe it. Let her be a woman? Like she let me be myself, she wasn’t entitled to be anything but a crazy bitch.
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