Peace out daddyo i always knew you had to go.

I can't remember the day my daddy left. I just know he did. What day of what month of what year was it? Sometimes people ask me how long my parents have been separated and I lie to them because I don't know. Was it sunny outside? Maybe it was a winter gray with light frosting on the frames of the windows. Did he say he was going to work and never come back? That would be soooo "baby, I'm gonna go buy some cigarettes, be back in five". What's the truth? Who can I ask? I remember a few times when they, my parents, were in the living room getting ready for bed and I was trying not to cry sitting by the kitchen. My sister came over and told me to get away from them in a whisper and I think that's when I knew the end of being able to see my daddy without having to make plans was over. I started shaking and she sat down next to me. She knew it too and she tried to be strong for me, no strong for herself. My daddy always whispered and my mommy always yelled so we had to piece together the parts that we heard. Threats of kicking him out, he didn't want to spend time with mom. What a paranoid insecure bitch, I would hate to be anything like her. I hope I'm not. She's like a disorder. They should name one after her. Come to think of it there should probably also be a name for the phobia of having the disorder and maybe a phobia for the phobia. The list would go on forever in this day and age. This is wrong with you, let's fix it by putting you in therapy, Oh you have these symptoms but now that you're in therapy we have to tell you that you're not diagnosed with it, let's just put you on medication until it goes away. That's what happened to me. I took it upon myself to start seeing the school therapist when I was in the 8th grade. I always wanted therapy. One time when I was 10 or so my family and I were in Atlantic city. Mommy dearest, Daddy, and I were in the pool and I turned to my mommy and stated matter of factly "I need to see a therapist because I always feel like daddy's cheating on you." Her face turned white, my dad just blinked, then I dove into the water and swam away not knowing I had done anything wrong. Aren't you supposed to ask for help when you need it?

My therapist was a very friendly woman by the name of Lauren. I wouldn't say that I really thought therapy was working but it was nice to be able to just talk to someone for an hour once a week. It's like the friend I can always always cry to and she'd never turn around and tell her friends that it's really annoying listening to me. OH! A big plus was that I could tell her all the secrets in the world and she was sworn to secrecy. It was such a relief to not be the only one that knows. Not only did she listen but a lot of the time she'd agree with me, like after she met my dad with the whole Paul McGuirk accident when I yelled "DADDY ARE YOU GAY?!" Lauren and I FELL to the ground laughing! I wouldn't mind him being gay but with the way he reacted to me being bisexual I just thought it'd be funny if he was. One day my mommy had to come in when I ran away from her and threatened to never come back. I went to stay at my dad's house the first night when I ran down the street CRYING, screaming, sobbing, snotting, wailing, so typically and ran into my best friend who tried to console me but I just told him not to touch me, I had to get far, far away from the devil who had tried to throw me into a wall, did she think I wouldn't be able to GET OUT OF THE DOOR? Anyway, getting too carried away, so, my mom ACTUALLY called my therapist and requested a meeting with us. Lauren called me and laughed as she told me on the phone. My mom left the session early so that I could have some private time with Lauren and the second the door closed behind her Lauren's exact words were "I see where all of your problems come from". She admitted that talking to my mom is like talking to a brick wall in English and in Russian. If she saw it too then I couldn't be crazy, right? At least not as crazy as everyone says. Sure I cut myself, sure I got almost raped by a guy my dad brought home from jail, sure the kids in my school were the most heartless creatures in the world but, hey, I was doing ok for a kid with that much on her shoulders, at least Lauren let me think so. She told me to always approach my conflicts with people like this: It upsets me when, It hurts my feelings when, I would appreciate it if you could.... Such a therapist. She was fun. She told me stories of when she used to use Manic Panic and dress goth. Eventually Lauren and I got too friendly I guess, I loved her and it would make me feel so guilty when I'd tell her things and she'd get disappointed, after a while I'd have to lie to my own therapist. No I haven't cut, no I didn't drink that weekend, no I haven't tried drugs. What was the point? I made my exit short and sweet, basically, I just never came back and pretended not to get her phone calls.