much is forgotten

I'm really frustrated right now because i already wrote a good portion of this and then I accidently unplugged my computer and lost it all! I HATE it when that happens. Why does my computer battery magically stop working and it's the only thing NOT covered by applecare? Glad I pay out the ass for that.

Anyhow... back to what I was originally on about...I can barely remember anything from when I was younger. That's mostly due to being stoned and insane. I used to live in THE MOMENT back then. I didn't care who was affected. I didn't care who's toes i stepped on, who laughed with me or at me, if I looked stupid. Now I feel so limited by being 20. That started when I turned 16 actually. I don't know about anywhere else in America but in NY turning 16 means you can legally get in trouble for shit and it goes on your record and then YOU DIE. Jk but still I had to grow up. Smoking L's on the street, drinkin 40's in the park, breaking into piers to have something poetic to look at slowly started coming to an end. I had to take life much more seriously. Now when my friends talk about sleeping on the street I think it's retarded but then i eventually come to realize...oh shit i've been there! I'm such a hypocrite. It's like I'm turning into my MOTHER or my sister. Both are terribly scary thoughts. They don't know how to have fun. I partied so hard when I was younger that drinking and getting fucked up seem so boring to me. I went throught friends having alcohol poisoning, passing out on the street, smoking laced weed without knowing it, making out with every guy/girl I saw, joining "the vampires", being gay, running away from home, and so much more before the age of 17. Around that time I started dating this kid who was about 2 and 1/2 years old than me. Everything he did, his recklessness went from being enticing to being such a drag. I constantly had to watch out for him when he got too fucked up, be there when his friends thought he was lame and calm him down when his mom wouldn't give him money and I realized...what good is that? I yelled at him for still living with his mom and not having a job because he was 20 and now i'm in that situation as well. I wouldn't say I'm half as bad as he is. Most of the time I'm making my own money. I don't cry about my parents having bfs/gfs and I always take care of my own but now i'm torn. My responsibilities are holding me back in a time when I want to feel free and express myself. I want to f shit up but i know that I'm gonna have to end up picking up all the pieces or somebody else who had zero to do with it... has anyone found a balance? I look forward to the day that I do.