I'm a terrible person

I cannot believe I didn't write this in the post I left literally seconds ago.


This past week has been extremely emotional and out of control. For the first time in my life someone close to me has passed. I wish I could say it was of old age or maybe a horrid disease or something uncontrolable but it was in fact due to suicide. My friend took his own life... it's hard to say why but I've gathered from hearsay that it was mostly because of a 17 year old dirty chick who decided to be unfaithful rather than save her boyfriends life. I went to the wake last night with my best friend and our two other friends. We took the NJ bus from Manhattan to Warwick and it was so much fun. I didn't understand how it was possible for me to be so happy on my way to the wake but that quickly changed the second I stepped through the door to the funeral home. I started crying and crying and crying. I saw a glimmer of the open casket as I waited on the line which was so long that people had to stand outside. It looked nothing like the young man I once knew and loved. I never knew I could feel that way. Sad and happy and sad and happy. I was lucky to know him and hopefully I can pass on bits and pieces of him to everyone I meet. His parents were so joyful because they thought nobody would show up. They thought their son had no friends. It's amazing that someone SO loved could feel so alone. I wonder if he knew that we were all (other than his slutty gf) just ONE call away. There were so many different kinds of people there. White, spanish, black, asian, old, young, business people, car dealers, clothing designers, teenagers, kids. You name it. His mother told everyone to spread the Tista love. That was his name. He wasn't afraid to be himself no matter who he was hanging with. He carried that name with all of us. All of the different kinds of people knew exactly who he was. I touched his hand. It felt so cold and plastic like. It was the last time I'll ever have that chance. I hope he's in a better place and that he can see us all from there mourning the loss of a great friend, brother, role model, son. No body can ever take his place in my heart.


I LOVE YOU TISTA.

xxMars.